Wireless woes

Spent half an hour on the phone trying to help a guy connect to his home wireless. Got on his machine and tried to replace the drivers.

After a while I noticed that his adapter didn't need driver, it just needed to be enabled. So enabled it and magically the wireless worked. I then spent five minutes trying to help him get on his home network. He swore up and down that he was putting the password in correctly until I asked him what the name of his wireless network was.

Him: Network-A

Me: What is the name of the network you're trying to connect to?

Him: Network-B [note that they were very, very different names, Network-A being his last name, Network-B being some random name]

Me: Try to connect to Network-A with that password.

...

Him: It worked! I guess Network-A is my network! But I really want to be on Network-B. The signal is much stronger. Why can't I get on it?

It's not obvious

One of our newer employees hits me up for a password reset weekly, claiming she doesn't know what happened.

Today she hit me up again, after requesting the password reset the employee asks, "What can I do to keep this from happening?"

It's so very hard to not reply with, "Remember your password". But I don't...

Another assumption

The question is posed, "How do I get sound to come out of my monitors?"

Possible answers:

*If they're CRT's they make a cool crashing noise when you drop them off a bridge.

*Try insulting them until they weep.

*Start rapping "Baby Got Back" they'll join in around "My anaconda don't..."

*Dog treats and the potential to go for a walk are known to be effective training rewards.

*Buy some speakers you f*^&$# moron.

Oh, but I couldn't use any of THOSE answers...

I still hate voice mail

My voice mail greeting asks for first and last name, as well as a return phone number and a short description of the problem. It's not prudent to have the greeting say, "if you don't give me this information I cannot follow up", but this voicemail makes me want to add, "If you don't leave the requested information, I hope you die in a fire... after falling down a well"

This is verbatim.

"Hi, this is [very generic first name] and a laptop was missing from the office when I got in. It turns out that one of the ladies that got let go brought it back with her, and I'd thought you'd like to know so you can lock it out. It's the one you helped me set up email on a couple months ago. Her mother in law is bringing it in later this week, but you probably want to lock it out. Later."

Very little RAM in that head

This is a basic email conversation I had recently. EMAIL. As in you don't have to ask me to repeat myself if something doesn't stick in your "can't compete with a caterpillar" sized brain.

Me: As the menus pop up click on these buttons: OptionA -> OptionB -> OptionA -> OptionD, then put in your name and you should be set.

Him: Okay, I've done Option A, but what's next? I'm confused.

Me: OptionB -> OptionA -> OptionD, then put in your name and you should be set.

Him: Okay, I've done Option B now, but I'm lost again.

Elementary, my dear dummie

The same person continually insists upon calling me for support. She refuses to email for whatever reason despite the fact that I have explained upon dozens of occasions that if I'm busy on the phone, she can email me with what she wants.

Today while I'm on the phone the woman calls. I send her an email that says, "I'm on a call, what do you need?"
Her response is to bring a phone down to me and she starts talking, I point to my phone, she walks away.

Thirty seconds later the call waiting chimes, it's her. I email a second time. "I'm on a call, what do you want with this phone?"

The call waiting hits. This is the THIRD TIME she's been too stubborn/stupid to figure out I'm not going to answer.

Finally she responds with her request. Along with a demand for the timeframe of when it will be done.

It was a simple request so I fixed it and emailed her that I was still on the call, and she could come get it any time.

Fourth call...

Exaggeration is futile

Overstating the issue doesn't make it any more or less urgent.  When it comes down to it, all computer issues are binary and quantitative (from an administrative standpoint.).

Them: The network is down on most of the computers we moved last week. (emphasis mine)
Me: Can you give me some IP examples of computers that aren't working?
Them: Just a moment while she gets one.
....
Them: Here's one example (gives me the APIPA IP).
Me: What about the others?  This one I know what's wrong but I need to know what's wrong with everyone.
Them: Well, it's the only computer with any problems.

A very circular answer

Him: How do I create an appointment and invite people to it from my iPhone calendar?

Me: Go to your iPhone calendar and create an appointment, then where it says "Invitees", add the people you would like at the appointment.

Answering this questions was almost a plagiarism upon the question itself. Meditate on that too long and your brain will turn into a black hole. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Some instructions are too hard to follow

Seriously. "Email the information to me, do not leave a voice mail" is just too damned hard to do. Today I've dealt with four separate people who I know for a fact are capable of emailing people, however prefer to leave voicemails. I've blogged about this before, but I'm frustrated to do it again.

Each person insists on leaving a voicemail with a good deal of information that is very difficult to understand in voice form. They insist on spending more time and effort on the voicemail than a simple one sentence email.

Simple solution

Today is the seventh time I've had to show a worker drone how to organize files by name. The worker adamantly refuses to use the "detail" view and cannot be bothered to right-click the white space within the folder view to select sort by name.

This has been going on for months at a rate of about once every week. The worker insists that someone is messing with her network drive and screwing up the order of things. Those in the biz know that servers don't care about the order in which files are stored because they don't store things in the way that humans think they would.

Then it occurred to me. Clearly this person has no concept or understanding of the alphabet. Maybe they're just looking at their keyboard and figuring 'Q' comes first and 'M' is last. I suppose I'll have to figure out how to get Windows how to organize by QWERTY.

What goes here?

Today I had to explain to someone how to change a password. I don't understand why or how it was so complex. I mean, is it really that hard to decipher the meanings of "old password", "new password" and "retype new password"?

The perfect manager

Oh, this guy...

Step 1: Start a satellite office hours away from home base.

Step 2: Refuse to pay for any real network connection so that everything is incredibly slow

Step 3: Complain all the time that everything is slow, and blame it on IT.

Yeah, looks like he's got management down pretty well.

Jobs fails again!

Just walked a user through updating contacts on an iPhone. Apparently hitting the "Edit" button wasn't intuitive enough... And apparently just changing the information after hitting "Edit" is less intuitive.

Me: Find the contact you want to edit, click on it, and hit "edit".

Her: Where?

Me: In the upper right hand corner, it should say, "edit".

Her: What will that do?

Me: It will allow you to edit the contact.

Her: Okay, now what?

Me: Scroll down and tap on the information you want to alter.

Her: How do I change it?

Me: Once you tap on it, the keyboard should appear.

Her: Now what?

Sooner or later, Headdesk will evolve into "Pistolmouth"

Guess you have to spell it out...

Me: With the nature of this problem, there is no timetable on when this will complete.

Her: Okay, but will it be done by the end of the day?

If you insist

You want to be on my list of idiots at work? Quote one of the blue collar "comedians". Specifically the one who has to tell you when a joke is funny. If you're so nescient, so dim, so... brainless that you just can't help but laugh at a tag line, and then REPEAT it?

Yes, you sir, or madam, aren't worth the brainwaves...

Mess Math

I spend a lot of time at my desk. I mean a LOT. I'd like to spend less some days, and more others. I couldn't ever nail it down to a percent, either. I just know that sometimes I won't move for a few hours. Most of the time my lunch is an energy bar and/or a can of tuna fish right out of the can. At my desk, while working. Working under these conditions means that I generally will snag a bunch of paper towels whenever I hit the break room so I have something to put down on my desk to absorb crumbs and such.

On thing I have learned is this. The amount of napkins I NEED is directly proportional to the amount of napkins I grab + 1 for any given 24 hour period....

Today's reason was that I threw an energy drink (low carb) in the freezer to quickly cool it, then got stuck at my desk for a good hour until I remember it was in the freezer. Rushed over and grabbed the can and saw no deformation. So I brought it back to my desk and opened it. To my dismay, that which is normally not so fizzy or violent sprayed out onto my desk! I immediately moved the leaking faucet of ginseng and taurine infused carbonated delight over the trash can and grabbed my remaining napkins to start cleaning... doh...

Time math

Message to person requesting help yesterday, "Call me in the morning about this. I will be in at 9. If you need help earlier, the person at xNNNN will be in at 8."

Voice mail received at 830. "Hey, this is __. I would really appreciate it if you were in the office when I called. blah blah blah..."

Butts be dialin'

I believe that today is my first service call posterior call. This means that I'm either on someone's redial or speed dial.

It's nice but nothing like that warm gooey feeling of a drunken dial.

Repitition

I infinitely prefer getting emails over voice mails. Mostly because we don't have any sort of visual voicemail system here, so I have to transcribe voicemails into a to-do list manually. But also working with people around the nation means there are a lot of accents. I respectfully request that anyone who needs my assistance to send an email along with any voicemail (unless email isn't working). Finally, 90% of people who call me assume I know them by voice and leave neither identity or a way to contact them.

But for some people it's because they're completely incapable of leaving an intelligible message. These people will find that I will never pick up the phone when they call. Here is a manual trasncript (anonymous and devoid of corporate content) of the only message I could figure out from one in particular.

"It's, LADY at LOCATION, give me a call and we're getting ready to switch over a phone for DUDE and I need to have you call him. He's going to (unintelligible murmur) phone for a new phone and he's gonna need to have that security. Whatever is from security today and Today Today Today Today is so. Can you call him at xxx-xxx? Yeah, with that, but he's going to the telephone companies shop, right now as we speak. So it's something to do with Blackberry, call me. Thank you. Bye."

The number of x's I wrote for the phone number is not a typo. The woman left me six numbers. SIX! Thankfully part of that message was apparently saying that the guy already called another person in our IT department and it had been handled without my intervention.

Either way, if you're going to leave a message asking for any sort of help or a call back. The proper way is: Name, Phone number, problem.

Instructions are TOO hard...

Another guy who can't figure out how to do something on an iPad.

When we give people access to certain systems we send them very easy to follow instructions that can be followed to the letter. All you have to do is open your eyes, yet I just had to walk someone through an iPad setup (with Exchange email).

The instructions are very easy to follow, so when someone calls me and asks for help, I WANT to assume that something out of the ordinary is happening. However, it's not out of the ordinary. They just can't understand this sort of format and need someone to hold their hand.

Email:
Go to Settings > "Mail, Contacts, Calendars" > Add Account > Microsoft Exchange

In box A: info A
In box B: info B
In box C: info C
In box D: info D

The Conversation:
Him: So how do I get into Settings?
Me: From the home screen, click on "Settings".
Him: So how do I get into Mail, Contacts, and Calendars?
Me: From the home screen, click on "Mail, Contacts, and Calendars".
Him: So how do I get into Add Account?
Me: From the home screen, click on "Add Account".
Him: Which one do I want?
Me: Microsoft Exchange.
Him: So what do I type into box A?
Me: Look at the email and type in info A.
Him: So what do I type into box B?
Me: Look at the email and type in info B.
Him: I don't understand, I just typed that into box A.
Me: I said to type info A into box A.
Him: So what do I type into box C?
Me: Look at the email and type in info C.
Him: But I thought I was supposed to type in RandomBS
Me: No, I would like you to type info C from the email.
Him: Oh, the email.
Me: Yes, please stick to the information we provided.
Him: So what do I type into box D?
Me: Look at the email and type in info D.

Mr Jobs has failed

While I can't go into the particulars (because there are oh so few), this is one of today's many issues.

I received a request today for help buying an iPad app.

This means that either the person asking for help is a complete tech failure or (what is somehow less likely) Steve Jobs is a complete failure, and (credit to a buddy) if this is true, will hereafter have the full title "Disgraced Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, he shall hang his head in shame for all eternity."

But I thin the former is much more likely an explanation. I work with people who somehow seem to force themselves to become dumber and less intuitive as a rule.

Coomunication

Him: Can you give me my password for (system1)?
Me: Sure... It's password.
Him: It's not working.
Me: Your username is userID. Can you double check that it's correct.
Him: I have otherUserID and officeID.
Me: Ahh.. Just delete all that and put userID in where it asks for it and don't use the office ID, so just leave the second box blank.
Him: It's not working. It won't let me type letters into the second box.
Me: I know. Leave the second box blank and enter the ID I gave you into the first box.
Him: It's not working. I put in userID and then otherUserID.
Me: That's not what I said. I said leave the second box blank and only put in the ID I gave you into the first box.
Him: Still not working. I put in userID and officeID.
Me: Again, that's not what I said...

Went on for another minute or two. This is the second time I've had this conversation with this guy. The first time was before starting this blog. I rest easy in the knowledge that this guy's chance of being here for more than 30 days are slim to none.

Lost in translation.. again

Him: Is there a reason employee was locked out of her computer all weekend?
Me: As I understood it, employee was just locked out of email, but (the other firm) changed their password for them this morning.
Him: How did that password change?!
Me: I'm not sure what happened to employee's password that locked them out, but I do know that it was rectified this morning.
Him: That doesn't change the fact that employee was locked out all weekend and that someone changed their password. (other firm) shouldn't even be allowed to change passwords without permission.


WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
This person locked themselves out of the system and (like so many) never set up their profile to allow them to recover the password. There are no weekend staffers since this sort of thing is pretty rare. But you can't say to certain people that they are wrong. Or that they made up a conclusion out of the words you used...

Don't lie

Him: My printers don't work. It says it can't find them.
(I use remote management to restart his spooler and check other service, they're fine)
Me: I'm really pressed for time right now. Just give the system a restart and let me know if it works.
Him: I did before I called.
Me: Make sure everything is saved, I'm going to remote in.
Him: Go for it.
(I log in and check to see if there are any issues with the printers, then look at the computer uptime)
Me: This computer has been on for 2000 hours. Turn it off. Wait five minutes and turn it back on. Call me if it doesn't work.

Corporate sponsorship?

Nobody, and I mean nobody is trying to sponsor me. I can't say I'm surprised. However, if the company that makes this product wants to sponsor me by sending their product to the subject of EACH blog post, I'd be most delighted.

This is how it ALWAYS goes down

People are impatient. So if they know something is coming down the pipe for them (in this case, a new laptop) they hunger for all the information they can get. Their appetite isn't satiable, either, oh no. If you tell them it's 3-5 days until it ships, they will always call you the next day and ask for a new estimate... Um... 2-4 days?

It's even less fun when they ordered it themselves because they call me to find out if I've got it after they check the FedEx/UPS website for status. They're downright cranky if it says "Out for delivery" and I haven't used my magical sysadmin powers to summon their package before they call. I really don't care if it the delivery guy takes until 6pm to drop it off and the mail room doesn't throw it in my office until 3pm the next day. I really don't. :)

Somewhere towards the end of the cycle, I need to set up the local profile for these guys since they're never in the office and without me signing in for them they won't be able to use their laptops when they arrive. Fun. So I send out a customary email when I need a password, requesting they reply directly to the email and not leave a voicemail (to avoid confusion). Here's what happens EVERY time.

Email request sent, almost immediately the phone rings.
I ignore it.... and they don't leave a message.

15 minutes later an email arrives with exactly this body:
Hey, I just tried to call you to give you my password but you weren't there. I'll just email them to you. When will I get this?

Then, about five minutes after the email is sent they call back again (this, too, I ignore) and leave a voice mail about how they hope they got the right information to me.

I'd like to say that it's ironic that they'll keep on this stuff like white on rice, yet when there is a problem they'll put off dealing with it until it's absolutely too late... Perhaps it is. Or perhaps that's just reality.

Okay, so I don't have an inbox

But even if I did, it wouldn't do any good. People seem to think it's cool to invade my space when they have a problem. (It's not). So if I'm out of the office for a while I often come back to something sitting on my chair. A package, a box, a letter, something. Most of the time it's just because there isn't a better place for it, and I don't care too much. But sometimes... sometimes...

Today I got three pages of printed forms placed on my seat. I read them over quick trying to decide why they heck they were there and how to fill them out. I grabbed my pen (stored in my backpack, were it cannot be stolen... and started reading over the form. None of it seemed to apply to me or my job. There was some chicken scratch writing on top but it didn't immediately look like words, so I tried to decipher them.

What I see appears to say:
4th floor 7rn. Phg printer B+W

Then I see some arrows pointing toward a black streak that runs down the middle of the page. "Aaaahhhh," I think. "There is a problem with a printer. That shouldn't be hard to remedy. Now, who is asking for this since I can't even match up the words with the names or locations of any printers."

No names. Nothing but a note saying as you saw above.

My phone reports 5 voicemails. "Ahh! There must be a message for me!" Nope. Nothing. Just a guy who has been whining all day about his wireless not working (which, at this time, I have fixed three times by having him turn it back on). Lovely.

Emails? None. There are ~40 people upstairs. There are probably half a dozen public printers and a dozen or so private printers. I would like to think that if it was a public printer other people would have asked about it....

INTO THE TRASH!!

Stuck in the past

I didn't know we had one, but one of our people just asked us to replace a "dictation machine". Now, it's been a while since people have used that terminology. Some order of decades, really. Analogue based tape recording has been commonplace since the 60's, and maybe the term could have survived another generation or two beyond that. But really, it's been a long time since we've used wax cylinders and other craziness to record our musings.

I sent him a link to an Amazon search for "voice recorders". Normally I'd be a little weary of sending a link like this to such a relic of a man, but he does seem to be able to use and understand computers well enough to operate an email client to some degree of proficiency. Depending on his age he's well aware of the abilities of computers to send chain emails, jokes, and video clips. (see below)

Lost in translation

I don't like talking through people. Especially assistants who don't understand what they're saying. Today's conversation was just such a conversation... Between me, the assistant (we'll just abbreviate that later) and the guy in charge.

Her: His Blackberry ran out of batteries last night. He doesn't know why, but it's charging now.

Yes... This guy is so self-involved, so voluntarily disconnected from reality that he has actually allowed himself to forget how batteries work. I was almost enraged by this, but I kept my cool.

Anyway. For the rest of the conversation here is what I said, and what she said to him. She's just trying to be diplomatic and make things sound easier for him to take. The problem was that the blackberry is encrypted and when it loses power the thing has to access the SD card again, which is supposed to be automatic, but this time it asked for a password.
Me: The password it wants is to access the memory card. Just put in the device unlock password.
Her to him: You have to put in your email password.
Me: No. That's not what I said. He has to put in the password he uses every time his PHONE locks up.
Her to him: You have to put in your unlock password for the phone.
(at this point he's confused... says it's not working. Decides to restart the phone)
Me: The memory card is encrypted, so it should be the same password. Just put the unlock password in both times and it should be fine.
Her to him: He said the memory card has to reboot, too....
Her to me: He put in his password and nothing is happening.
Me: So he put in his password and you still see the password box?
Her to me: It's running really slow.
Me: Okay, but do you still see the password box?
Her to me: It's just running slow.
(this incoherent babble of hers runs on for a few minutes. I assumed that "running slow" meant that it accepted the password)
Her to me: It's still running really slow. The emails are coming in.
Me: That's supposed to happen. It's downloading the emails from the server. Everything is fine.
Her to him: He said that it's supposed to happen.
Her to me: He said that it's running really slow.
Me: It's fine. Just let the emails come in and it'll work like normal.
Her to him: He said that it's just updating and will be fine soon.

Hey, she got one right!

It must be that hard

After one department tells an individual he must fix a compliance issue, he asks them what's wrong. So they tell him exactly what the problem is and even sends step-by-step instructions with images that only a blind person couldn't understand.

True to form, he forwards them to me and figures it's my job to walk him through it... (He didn't even read them)

For those of you in IT. This happens a LOT. Well, for those of you in the world who feel a certain sense of responsibility and duty within your job that makes you think about what you're doing, this happens a LOT.

It never fails...

Me: I'm available until [time] to fix this issue. I cannot fix it after 5pm because it will take 20-30 minutes to fix.

([time] +15 minutes rolls around)
THEM: Okay, I need you to fix this now.


What's that? It was a two-for-one yesterday!!!!

Yup, I told two of them to get back to me by a certain time because I couldn't help them after that, and both of them insisted on completely ignoring that.

I gave you my word...

But it's rarely good enough.

It's not exactly rare, but it's not exactly common. What is it? When some blown up personality doesn't like hearing a situation and wants to hear it from someone else. I won't recount the entire conversation, because it so easily boils down to:

Me: What needs to happen is (long, tedious procedure to fix something)
Her: I don't like that answer. Have [my boss] call me and tell me that if it's the only thing that can be done.

Which I did...

Oh, it hurts...

Just when you think you can trust some one's ability with a computer...

Her: I have this problem -

(she goes on to explain her issue which I know how to fix and just tell her to restart her computer because her password expired)

Me: Okay, restart your computer.
Her: I just did.
Me: Before or after you had the problem you called about?
Her: After.

(about an hour of troubleshooting later, I STILL know it's got to be what I though initially, so I force her computer to restart)

Her: Oh, it wants me to reset my password.

(this is where I get stupid. I should have left it at that, but I was pissed that this person in particular who is usually very good about these things fell so far..)

Me: When did you restart your computer last?
Her: This morning when I got in.
Me: So you were having this problem last night? Because you said you restarted after you had the problems.
Her: No, I didn't restart it after the problems started.

(Even here, I could have probably have skated by...)

Me: Okay, in the future please try to do what I've asked you to do, even if you think you've done it already. We wasted an hour on a really easy problem. Perhaps I need to communicate better-
CLICK!

Yup, I'm going to catch hell for that.

How is that helping?

Him: I'm can't get into my computer, it says I'm locked out. Can you unlock me?
Me: Okay, I'll log into the server down there and take care of it... Hmm... it seems to be down.
Him: Well, they thought it wasn't working so they turned it off.

They never do as you say...

Me: Your user ID is (ID)

(a little later)

Him: I tried abcd(ID) and it didn't work. Thoughts?
Me: Your user ID is (ID). Not abcd(ID).

When power can't make things happen

Some people have reached a point in life where people grovel at their feet (figuratively speaking, or perhaps literally). I know many such people. Some of them believe they've hit the sub-godhood stage where their will can make the untrue true. I spoke to one of them today.

Him: I spilled some water on my keyboard this morning. It's being really slow and not very responsive.
Me: Okay. Water can move around very quickly in portable electronics. What I need you to do is power off the laptop, remove the battery and let it sit in a dry area for at least two days. If you keep using it, it is very likely to become too damaged to recover, if it isn't already.
Him: No. I can't do that. Have [my boss] call me with something else.

Printers, they're so difficult to figure out

Him: Which printer is closest to my new office.
Me: Printer x, it's across from the mail room. Do you need me to set it up for you?
Him: That would be great, thanks.

Half an hour later...

Him: I keep printing but it's not coming out.
Me: Are you printing to the printer I set up? It should be default.
Him: Yes, but it's not coming out.
Me: Which printer are you checking?
Him: The one upstairs that I always use!

It goes both ways...

I like to think that I do a pretty good job of translating techno-speak into layman's terms and vice-versa. But today I must be off because I had an email exchange a bit like this with a systems analyst.

Them: Would you tell us exactly how it was partitioned the 2nd time?
Me: I wiped out all partition data and even wiped the MBR. As far as the OS was concerned it was a brand new, off the line HDD. The OS creates its own partition of about 100MB for system data upon installation.
[Maybe a bit wordy, but you should be able to gather that I a) wiped the HDD partition and MBR, and b) the new partition status is the default for the OS]

Them: Ok, so you deleted the partitions, reformatted and recreated the partitions?

Disney doesn't make the internet..

The last time I wrote I mentioned that typical users tend to view the internet and laptops as having a magical connection. Well, maybe if Intel and Disney designed chips that could do that...

Anyway, I set up a meeting with someone to get a laptop set up for him. Email, favorites, all that.

Him: Hey, let's get this laptop set up.
Me: Okay, I'd like you to open up Internet Explorer [I use GoToAssist for certain areas where RDP is too slow] and go to-
Him: Oh, you mean I need the laptop with me?

Users are users...

Many of you are aware of VPN and Remote systems that allow you to work outside of the office, just like you were in the office. To the regular users, this is a magical gateway. You click on the pretty icon, put in a code, and it works. Regular users strongly prefer automagical systems such as VPN and Single Sign On because it prevents them from having to use their brain any more than is absolutely necessary.

Usernames and passwords are just too much for the average user... And it seems that all those usernames and passwords they have to remember have pushed out their ability to form comprehensible sentences.

Here we utilize both VPN and Outlook Web Access so that we can keep our people connected wherever they are. Both use a rotating token system for authentication before you can actually sign into the system. If you're using one, you cannot use the other.

Him: I can't log into [owa].
Me: Okay, are you in the office or outside the office?
Him: I'm at home.
Me: What is the username you're using?
Him: I'm using [old]... Hey, I got an email that said my username wend from [old] to [new]. Should I be using [new]?
Me: Yes.
[a little later he tries to describe what he can and cannot access]
Him: I can get into [owa], but [vpn] won't let me on. Earlier I was on [vpn] with [old] and now [old] doesn't work. So I signed in with [old] on [owa] and it worked, and then I tried to sign into [system] with but it said I wasn't allowed into [vpn]

[You lost? Me too... This incomprehensible babble goes one for a long time until we get it sorted out. It turns out he's trying to use both systems. I sort him out and he wants to just try it while I'm on the phone...]

Me: Are you logged into the vpn right now?
Him: Yes
Me: Which ID did you use?
Him: I don't remember.
Me: Log out and log back in.
[long pause]
Him: Okay, I'm using [new].
Me: Is it letting you in?
Him: NO! It's saying I can't get in!
[I have him try the old ID, and then the new one again, then I wonder..]
Me: Try logging into [owa]
Him: I'm already in [owa]. I needed to check my email..

ugh..

Isn't Apple supposed to be easy?

Her: How do I get to the calendar on my iPad?
Me: Do you see an icon that is called "Calendar"? It defaults to being the one in the upper right hand corner.
Her: Oh, labels!

People just wanna be right...

As I often do, I get yet another call from a woman whose symptoms all point to an expired Windows password. She can't access any network resources, so her computer is essentially crippled. Most of the people here figure locking their office is the pinnacle of security, so they never log out of their computer to see the 14 days of password expiration notices.

I know I'm not the only admin to have to deal with this. In fact, I'd be surprised if any other admin (or help desk) didn't. This one isn't as bad as the others, in fact it's kinda cute. Here is the conversation:

Her: My email doesn't work.
Me: What isn't working? Can you not send/receive?
Her: I can't get into my old emails. It says it's not valid.
(getting a user to tell me any part of an error code is usually a painful experience)
Me: Okay. Can you get into [network drive]
Her: No, it's the craziest thing!
Me: Your password expired. Just lock your computer and then unlock it.
Her: No.
Me: Yes, your password expired and you'll have to change it. Locking the computer takes no time at all. Just hit Ctrl+Alt+Del, select Lock Computer, and log back in. It's very simple.
(if she gives me any more guff, I'm going to press enter on my remote forced reset in the command prompt)
Her: Fine, hold on... (she restarts the computer). You little SNEAK! How did you know?!

An unreasonable request

Him: Fix my blackberry!! I want it done before the day is over.
Me: Okay, where is it?
Him: ...
Me: ...

His assistant: He has it with him. He's in meetings all day.

The communicative properties of business...

If you ask the same thing in different ways, you sometimes get different answers. But not when you're talking about basic math... Many people are blinded by their own self importance and cannot understand when a wall is a wall.

Me: It will take me 3-10 business days to honor your . It is low-priority and all other work will take precedence regardless of how long you wait.
Him: What if you started on Friday? Would it be done on Monday or Tuesday the next week?
Me: No, I can't work on it on the weekends.
Him: How about Thursday morning. If I come in on Thursday morning can you just do it then?
Me: No, I need 3-10 business days for this request.
Him: Okay, what if I drop it off Thursday morning, will it be done by Monday morning?

This conversation x3...

You can't always get what you want...

Her: How do use their video conference equipment.
Me: They don't have video conference equipment.
Her: Did they buy it without telling us? They need to know how to video in.
Me: No, they don't have to tell us, but I was there three days ago, and unless it was installed in the last two, they don't have video conference abilities. They don't even have a monitor in their conference room.
Her: They think they do.
Me: They don't.
Her: Can you tell them that?

HER: Her: My password doesn't work
ME: Got to . Click here and choose "Reset Password"
HER: It's asking for my password.
ME: It shouldn't. Did you click on "Reset password"?
HER: Yes
ME: Go back to and click on "Self Service". I brings up a window and should not ask for your password.
HER: Yes, I had this window last time.
ME: Okay, click on "Reset Password"
HER: But I clicked on "Change Password"
ME: ....

Dealing with the other guys...

ME: Me (to the company that manages Exchange server for us): Exchange server is broken
THEM: no it isn't
ME: Yes it is. Here is EXACTLY what is wrong.
THEM: Are you sure? Because we don't think it's wrong.
ME: Here's proof and how to fix it, step by step.
THEM: Well I suppose we can look into it.

Define

This blog will pretty much be dedicated to my place of employment and the headdesking that goes on here. They're timeless stories, really. Well, timeless as far as silicon based processors are concerned.

I work as an IT guru in a medium sized firm and there are a LOT of people here that just don't get tech...