I still hate voice mail

My voice mail greeting asks for first and last name, as well as a return phone number and a short description of the problem. It's not prudent to have the greeting say, "if you don't give me this information I cannot follow up", but this voicemail makes me want to add, "If you don't leave the requested information, I hope you die in a fire... after falling down a well"

This is verbatim.

"Hi, this is [very generic first name] and a laptop was missing from the office when I got in. It turns out that one of the ladies that got let go brought it back with her, and I'd thought you'd like to know so you can lock it out. It's the one you helped me set up email on a couple months ago. Her mother in law is bringing it in later this week, but you probably want to lock it out. Later."