Printers, they're so difficult to figure out

Him: Which printer is closest to my new office.
Me: Printer x, it's across from the mail room. Do you need me to set it up for you?
Him: That would be great, thanks.

Half an hour later...

Him: I keep printing but it's not coming out.
Me: Are you printing to the printer I set up? It should be default.
Him: Yes, but it's not coming out.
Me: Which printer are you checking?
Him: The one upstairs that I always use!

It goes both ways...

I like to think that I do a pretty good job of translating techno-speak into layman's terms and vice-versa. But today I must be off because I had an email exchange a bit like this with a systems analyst.

Them: Would you tell us exactly how it was partitioned the 2nd time?
Me: I wiped out all partition data and even wiped the MBR. As far as the OS was concerned it was a brand new, off the line HDD. The OS creates its own partition of about 100MB for system data upon installation.
[Maybe a bit wordy, but you should be able to gather that I a) wiped the HDD partition and MBR, and b) the new partition status is the default for the OS]

Them: Ok, so you deleted the partitions, reformatted and recreated the partitions?

Disney doesn't make the internet..

The last time I wrote I mentioned that typical users tend to view the internet and laptops as having a magical connection. Well, maybe if Intel and Disney designed chips that could do that...

Anyway, I set up a meeting with someone to get a laptop set up for him. Email, favorites, all that.

Him: Hey, let's get this laptop set up.
Me: Okay, I'd like you to open up Internet Explorer [I use GoToAssist for certain areas where RDP is too slow] and go to-
Him: Oh, you mean I need the laptop with me?

Users are users...

Many of you are aware of VPN and Remote systems that allow you to work outside of the office, just like you were in the office. To the regular users, this is a magical gateway. You click on the pretty icon, put in a code, and it works. Regular users strongly prefer automagical systems such as VPN and Single Sign On because it prevents them from having to use their brain any more than is absolutely necessary.

Usernames and passwords are just too much for the average user... And it seems that all those usernames and passwords they have to remember have pushed out their ability to form comprehensible sentences.

Here we utilize both VPN and Outlook Web Access so that we can keep our people connected wherever they are. Both use a rotating token system for authentication before you can actually sign into the system. If you're using one, you cannot use the other.

Him: I can't log into [owa].
Me: Okay, are you in the office or outside the office?
Him: I'm at home.
Me: What is the username you're using?
Him: I'm using [old]... Hey, I got an email that said my username wend from [old] to [new]. Should I be using [new]?
Me: Yes.
[a little later he tries to describe what he can and cannot access]
Him: I can get into [owa], but [vpn] won't let me on. Earlier I was on [vpn] with [old] and now [old] doesn't work. So I signed in with [old] on [owa] and it worked, and then I tried to sign into [system] with but it said I wasn't allowed into [vpn]

[You lost? Me too... This incomprehensible babble goes one for a long time until we get it sorted out. It turns out he's trying to use both systems. I sort him out and he wants to just try it while I'm on the phone...]

Me: Are you logged into the vpn right now?
Him: Yes
Me: Which ID did you use?
Him: I don't remember.
Me: Log out and log back in.
[long pause]
Him: Okay, I'm using [new].
Me: Is it letting you in?
Him: NO! It's saying I can't get in!
[I have him try the old ID, and then the new one again, then I wonder..]
Me: Try logging into [owa]
Him: I'm already in [owa]. I needed to check my email..

ugh..

Isn't Apple supposed to be easy?

Her: How do I get to the calendar on my iPad?
Me: Do you see an icon that is called "Calendar"? It defaults to being the one in the upper right hand corner.
Her: Oh, labels!

People just wanna be right...

As I often do, I get yet another call from a woman whose symptoms all point to an expired Windows password. She can't access any network resources, so her computer is essentially crippled. Most of the people here figure locking their office is the pinnacle of security, so they never log out of their computer to see the 14 days of password expiration notices.

I know I'm not the only admin to have to deal with this. In fact, I'd be surprised if any other admin (or help desk) didn't. This one isn't as bad as the others, in fact it's kinda cute. Here is the conversation:

Her: My email doesn't work.
Me: What isn't working? Can you not send/receive?
Her: I can't get into my old emails. It says it's not valid.
(getting a user to tell me any part of an error code is usually a painful experience)
Me: Okay. Can you get into [network drive]
Her: No, it's the craziest thing!
Me: Your password expired. Just lock your computer and then unlock it.
Her: No.
Me: Yes, your password expired and you'll have to change it. Locking the computer takes no time at all. Just hit Ctrl+Alt+Del, select Lock Computer, and log back in. It's very simple.
(if she gives me any more guff, I'm going to press enter on my remote forced reset in the command prompt)
Her: Fine, hold on... (she restarts the computer). You little SNEAK! How did you know?!

An unreasonable request

Him: Fix my blackberry!! I want it done before the day is over.
Me: Okay, where is it?
Him: ...
Me: ...

His assistant: He has it with him. He's in meetings all day.

The communicative properties of business...

If you ask the same thing in different ways, you sometimes get different answers. But not when you're talking about basic math... Many people are blinded by their own self importance and cannot understand when a wall is a wall.

Me: It will take me 3-10 business days to honor your . It is low-priority and all other work will take precedence regardless of how long you wait.
Him: What if you started on Friday? Would it be done on Monday or Tuesday the next week?
Me: No, I can't work on it on the weekends.
Him: How about Thursday morning. If I come in on Thursday morning can you just do it then?
Me: No, I need 3-10 business days for this request.
Him: Okay, what if I drop it off Thursday morning, will it be done by Monday morning?

This conversation x3...

You can't always get what you want...

Her: How do use their video conference equipment.
Me: They don't have video conference equipment.
Her: Did they buy it without telling us? They need to know how to video in.
Me: No, they don't have to tell us, but I was there three days ago, and unless it was installed in the last two, they don't have video conference abilities. They don't even have a monitor in their conference room.
Her: They think they do.
Me: They don't.
Her: Can you tell them that?

HER: Her: My password doesn't work
ME: Got to . Click here and choose "Reset Password"
HER: It's asking for my password.
ME: It shouldn't. Did you click on "Reset password"?
HER: Yes
ME: Go back to and click on "Self Service". I brings up a window and should not ask for your password.
HER: Yes, I had this window last time.
ME: Okay, click on "Reset Password"
HER: But I clicked on "Change Password"
ME: ....

Dealing with the other guys...

ME: Me (to the company that manages Exchange server for us): Exchange server is broken
THEM: no it isn't
ME: Yes it is. Here is EXACTLY what is wrong.
THEM: Are you sure? Because we don't think it's wrong.
ME: Here's proof and how to fix it, step by step.
THEM: Well I suppose we can look into it.

Define

This blog will pretty much be dedicated to my place of employment and the headdesking that goes on here. They're timeless stories, really. Well, timeless as far as silicon based processors are concerned.

I work as an IT guru in a medium sized firm and there are a LOT of people here that just don't get tech...