Repitition

I infinitely prefer getting emails over voice mails. Mostly because we don't have any sort of visual voicemail system here, so I have to transcribe voicemails into a to-do list manually. But also working with people around the nation means there are a lot of accents. I respectfully request that anyone who needs my assistance to send an email along with any voicemail (unless email isn't working). Finally, 90% of people who call me assume I know them by voice and leave neither identity or a way to contact them.

But for some people it's because they're completely incapable of leaving an intelligible message. These people will find that I will never pick up the phone when they call. Here is a manual trasncript (anonymous and devoid of corporate content) of the only message I could figure out from one in particular.

"It's, LADY at LOCATION, give me a call and we're getting ready to switch over a phone for DUDE and I need to have you call him. He's going to (unintelligible murmur) phone for a new phone and he's gonna need to have that security. Whatever is from security today and Today Today Today Today is so. Can you call him at xxx-xxx? Yeah, with that, but he's going to the telephone companies shop, right now as we speak. So it's something to do with Blackberry, call me. Thank you. Bye."

The number of x's I wrote for the phone number is not a typo. The woman left me six numbers. SIX! Thankfully part of that message was apparently saying that the guy already called another person in our IT department and it had been handled without my intervention.

Either way, if you're going to leave a message asking for any sort of help or a call back. The proper way is: Name, Phone number, problem.

Instructions are TOO hard...

Another guy who can't figure out how to do something on an iPad.

When we give people access to certain systems we send them very easy to follow instructions that can be followed to the letter. All you have to do is open your eyes, yet I just had to walk someone through an iPad setup (with Exchange email).

The instructions are very easy to follow, so when someone calls me and asks for help, I WANT to assume that something out of the ordinary is happening. However, it's not out of the ordinary. They just can't understand this sort of format and need someone to hold their hand.

Email:
Go to Settings > "Mail, Contacts, Calendars" > Add Account > Microsoft Exchange

In box A: info A
In box B: info B
In box C: info C
In box D: info D

The Conversation:
Him: So how do I get into Settings?
Me: From the home screen, click on "Settings".
Him: So how do I get into Mail, Contacts, and Calendars?
Me: From the home screen, click on "Mail, Contacts, and Calendars".
Him: So how do I get into Add Account?
Me: From the home screen, click on "Add Account".
Him: Which one do I want?
Me: Microsoft Exchange.
Him: So what do I type into box A?
Me: Look at the email and type in info A.
Him: So what do I type into box B?
Me: Look at the email and type in info B.
Him: I don't understand, I just typed that into box A.
Me: I said to type info A into box A.
Him: So what do I type into box C?
Me: Look at the email and type in info C.
Him: But I thought I was supposed to type in RandomBS
Me: No, I would like you to type info C from the email.
Him: Oh, the email.
Me: Yes, please stick to the information we provided.
Him: So what do I type into box D?
Me: Look at the email and type in info D.

Mr Jobs has failed

While I can't go into the particulars (because there are oh so few), this is one of today's many issues.

I received a request today for help buying an iPad app.

This means that either the person asking for help is a complete tech failure or (what is somehow less likely) Steve Jobs is a complete failure, and (credit to a buddy) if this is true, will hereafter have the full title "Disgraced Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, he shall hang his head in shame for all eternity."

But I thin the former is much more likely an explanation. I work with people who somehow seem to force themselves to become dumber and less intuitive as a rule.

Coomunication

Him: Can you give me my password for (system1)?
Me: Sure... It's password.
Him: It's not working.
Me: Your username is userID. Can you double check that it's correct.
Him: I have otherUserID and officeID.
Me: Ahh.. Just delete all that and put userID in where it asks for it and don't use the office ID, so just leave the second box blank.
Him: It's not working. It won't let me type letters into the second box.
Me: I know. Leave the second box blank and enter the ID I gave you into the first box.
Him: It's not working. I put in userID and then otherUserID.
Me: That's not what I said. I said leave the second box blank and only put in the ID I gave you into the first box.
Him: Still not working. I put in userID and officeID.
Me: Again, that's not what I said...

Went on for another minute or two. This is the second time I've had this conversation with this guy. The first time was before starting this blog. I rest easy in the knowledge that this guy's chance of being here for more than 30 days are slim to none.

Lost in translation.. again

Him: Is there a reason employee was locked out of her computer all weekend?
Me: As I understood it, employee was just locked out of email, but (the other firm) changed their password for them this morning.
Him: How did that password change?!
Me: I'm not sure what happened to employee's password that locked them out, but I do know that it was rectified this morning.
Him: That doesn't change the fact that employee was locked out all weekend and that someone changed their password. (other firm) shouldn't even be allowed to change passwords without permission.


WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
This person locked themselves out of the system and (like so many) never set up their profile to allow them to recover the password. There are no weekend staffers since this sort of thing is pretty rare. But you can't say to certain people that they are wrong. Or that they made up a conclusion out of the words you used...

Don't lie

Him: My printers don't work. It says it can't find them.
(I use remote management to restart his spooler and check other service, they're fine)
Me: I'm really pressed for time right now. Just give the system a restart and let me know if it works.
Him: I did before I called.
Me: Make sure everything is saved, I'm going to remote in.
Him: Go for it.
(I log in and check to see if there are any issues with the printers, then look at the computer uptime)
Me: This computer has been on for 2000 hours. Turn it off. Wait five minutes and turn it back on. Call me if it doesn't work.

Corporate sponsorship?

Nobody, and I mean nobody is trying to sponsor me. I can't say I'm surprised. However, if the company that makes this product wants to sponsor me by sending their product to the subject of EACH blog post, I'd be most delighted.