The perfect manager

Oh, this guy...

Step 1: Start a satellite office hours away from home base.

Step 2: Refuse to pay for any real network connection so that everything is incredibly slow

Step 3: Complain all the time that everything is slow, and blame it on IT.

Yeah, looks like he's got management down pretty well.

Jobs fails again!

Just walked a user through updating contacts on an iPhone. Apparently hitting the "Edit" button wasn't intuitive enough... And apparently just changing the information after hitting "Edit" is less intuitive.

Me: Find the contact you want to edit, click on it, and hit "edit".

Her: Where?

Me: In the upper right hand corner, it should say, "edit".

Her: What will that do?

Me: It will allow you to edit the contact.

Her: Okay, now what?

Me: Scroll down and tap on the information you want to alter.

Her: How do I change it?

Me: Once you tap on it, the keyboard should appear.

Her: Now what?

Sooner or later, Headdesk will evolve into "Pistolmouth"

Guess you have to spell it out...

Me: With the nature of this problem, there is no timetable on when this will complete.

Her: Okay, but will it be done by the end of the day?

If you insist

You want to be on my list of idiots at work? Quote one of the blue collar "comedians". Specifically the one who has to tell you when a joke is funny. If you're so nescient, so dim, so... brainless that you just can't help but laugh at a tag line, and then REPEAT it?

Yes, you sir, or madam, aren't worth the brainwaves...

Mess Math

I spend a lot of time at my desk. I mean a LOT. I'd like to spend less some days, and more others. I couldn't ever nail it down to a percent, either. I just know that sometimes I won't move for a few hours. Most of the time my lunch is an energy bar and/or a can of tuna fish right out of the can. At my desk, while working. Working under these conditions means that I generally will snag a bunch of paper towels whenever I hit the break room so I have something to put down on my desk to absorb crumbs and such.

On thing I have learned is this. The amount of napkins I NEED is directly proportional to the amount of napkins I grab + 1 for any given 24 hour period....

Today's reason was that I threw an energy drink (low carb) in the freezer to quickly cool it, then got stuck at my desk for a good hour until I remember it was in the freezer. Rushed over and grabbed the can and saw no deformation. So I brought it back to my desk and opened it. To my dismay, that which is normally not so fizzy or violent sprayed out onto my desk! I immediately moved the leaking faucet of ginseng and taurine infused carbonated delight over the trash can and grabbed my remaining napkins to start cleaning... doh...

Time math

Message to person requesting help yesterday, "Call me in the morning about this. I will be in at 9. If you need help earlier, the person at xNNNN will be in at 8."

Voice mail received at 830. "Hey, this is __. I would really appreciate it if you were in the office when I called. blah blah blah..."

Butts be dialin'

I believe that today is my first service call posterior call. This means that I'm either on someone's redial or speed dial.

It's nice but nothing like that warm gooey feeling of a drunken dial.