Oh, you meant me, too?

Me (to new employee): If you have any other questions, the best way to get IT is to email the IT group so someone will get back to you. We're all out of here at x o'clock, too so we'll get back to you first thing in the morning.

Newbie: Sounds good.

3 voicemails later, each of which is after x o'clock...

Newbie: "I've been calling and calling and calling and no response! Why do people put up with you guys?!"

Not what I said

This time I'm dealing with a product vendor and asked for documentation on some systems. We'll call the one I want Whiskey (something I like) and the one I got information on Grapefruit (something I do not like). Perhaps you can draw your own situation conclusions from there...

Her: So which system do you want documentation for?

Me: Whiskey.

Her: Okay, when using that you can use it in concert with other systems, which system are you using?

Me: Rum. I don't have the resources to use Grapefruit, which is why I'm having trouble with finding the right documentation. I have all the information I need on Grapefruit, but I need information on Whiskey. Your website doesn't have any links to the documentation.

(We spend a few minutes chatting about what I have and need)

Her: Okay, I'll send you what you need.

Ten minutes later I get a link to Grapefruit in my email "as per our conversation"....

Do you believe in magic

This guy isn't much different than Zapp Brannigan. If you'll recall the episode "In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela" (See here)

Him: What's the maximum attachment size for our email?

Me: 15MB

... a little later...

Email from him: Hey, I've got a video I want to email but it's too big. I tried to compress it a few times, but it won't get any smaller than it already is. It's in [folder a], please compress it down to 15MB so I can email this out.

I go look in the folder to see what was going on. He tried throwing an m4V through Winzip that was about 200MB. He was getting less than 0.5% compression the first time an no compression after that. I sent him a blank CD.

I... can't... read... mostly...

Email sent to the entirety of our employee base:

... Everyone qualifies for this discount, so let us know if you want to participate...

Link inside the email sent to the entirety of our employee base has this text:

This discount applies to everyone. (it's basically the only sentence)

Email response:

Does this apply to everyone or just the other department?

Instructions are still pretty hard to follow

Her: I got the new instructions for logging into the website, but it's not working.

Me: I'd be more than happy to help. First off, click on the shortcut in your IE.

Her: I'm already there.

Me: Okay, log in just like you did with the previous website. Nothing has changed except for the way it looks, so you shouldn't have any problems.

Her: Okay, so I use my [user A] and [password A] and it doesn't let me on.

Me: Right, but you're supposed to be using [user b] and its password for this system.

Her: Why doesn't the document say that?

(I pull up said document)

Me: It's under the heading, "Logging into the updated system"

Her: Okay, but it still doesn't work.

Me: Can you tell me exactly what you did?

Her: Well, I'm using [user b] and [password a].

Three attempts later...

Her: Well, I don't know what you did but it worked.

Fairy dust

Just took 20 minutes explaining to someone that video conferencing does not work just because they want it to. The person literally just expected a video conference to be available because she wanted it to happen. Every time I would try to explain what she needed to do she would respond with "But why can't I just do it?"

Logic will get you nowhere

EMail from me: All printers are back up except for Xerox's. If the non-Xerox's don't work, let me know.

a little later....

Her: My printer isn't working.

Me: Which printer isn't working?

Her: The one in [room 1].

Me: The Xerox?

Her: Yeah