If you insist

You want to be on my list of idiots at work? Quote one of the blue collar "comedians". Specifically the one who has to tell you when a joke is funny. If you're so nescient, so dim, so... brainless that you just can't help but laugh at a tag line, and then REPEAT it?

Yes, you sir, or madam, aren't worth the brainwaves...

Mess Math

I spend a lot of time at my desk. I mean a LOT. I'd like to spend less some days, and more others. I couldn't ever nail it down to a percent, either. I just know that sometimes I won't move for a few hours. Most of the time my lunch is an energy bar and/or a can of tuna fish right out of the can. At my desk, while working. Working under these conditions means that I generally will snag a bunch of paper towels whenever I hit the break room so I have something to put down on my desk to absorb crumbs and such.

On thing I have learned is this. The amount of napkins I NEED is directly proportional to the amount of napkins I grab + 1 for any given 24 hour period....

Today's reason was that I threw an energy drink (low carb) in the freezer to quickly cool it, then got stuck at my desk for a good hour until I remember it was in the freezer. Rushed over and grabbed the can and saw no deformation. So I brought it back to my desk and opened it. To my dismay, that which is normally not so fizzy or violent sprayed out onto my desk! I immediately moved the leaking faucet of ginseng and taurine infused carbonated delight over the trash can and grabbed my remaining napkins to start cleaning... doh...

Time math

Message to person requesting help yesterday, "Call me in the morning about this. I will be in at 9. If you need help earlier, the person at xNNNN will be in at 8."

Voice mail received at 830. "Hey, this is __. I would really appreciate it if you were in the office when I called. blah blah blah..."

Butts be dialin'

I believe that today is my first service call posterior call. This means that I'm either on someone's redial or speed dial.

It's nice but nothing like that warm gooey feeling of a drunken dial.

Repitition

I infinitely prefer getting emails over voice mails. Mostly because we don't have any sort of visual voicemail system here, so I have to transcribe voicemails into a to-do list manually. But also working with people around the nation means there are a lot of accents. I respectfully request that anyone who needs my assistance to send an email along with any voicemail (unless email isn't working). Finally, 90% of people who call me assume I know them by voice and leave neither identity or a way to contact them.

But for some people it's because they're completely incapable of leaving an intelligible message. These people will find that I will never pick up the phone when they call. Here is a manual trasncript (anonymous and devoid of corporate content) of the only message I could figure out from one in particular.

"It's, LADY at LOCATION, give me a call and we're getting ready to switch over a phone for DUDE and I need to have you call him. He's going to (unintelligible murmur) phone for a new phone and he's gonna need to have that security. Whatever is from security today and Today Today Today Today is so. Can you call him at xxx-xxx? Yeah, with that, but he's going to the telephone companies shop, right now as we speak. So it's something to do with Blackberry, call me. Thank you. Bye."

The number of x's I wrote for the phone number is not a typo. The woman left me six numbers. SIX! Thankfully part of that message was apparently saying that the guy already called another person in our IT department and it had been handled without my intervention.

Either way, if you're going to leave a message asking for any sort of help or a call back. The proper way is: Name, Phone number, problem.

Instructions are TOO hard...

Another guy who can't figure out how to do something on an iPad.

When we give people access to certain systems we send them very easy to follow instructions that can be followed to the letter. All you have to do is open your eyes, yet I just had to walk someone through an iPad setup (with Exchange email).

The instructions are very easy to follow, so when someone calls me and asks for help, I WANT to assume that something out of the ordinary is happening. However, it's not out of the ordinary. They just can't understand this sort of format and need someone to hold their hand.

Email:
Go to Settings > "Mail, Contacts, Calendars" > Add Account > Microsoft Exchange

In box A: info A
In box B: info B
In box C: info C
In box D: info D

The Conversation:
Him: So how do I get into Settings?
Me: From the home screen, click on "Settings".
Him: So how do I get into Mail, Contacts, and Calendars?
Me: From the home screen, click on "Mail, Contacts, and Calendars".
Him: So how do I get into Add Account?
Me: From the home screen, click on "Add Account".
Him: Which one do I want?
Me: Microsoft Exchange.
Him: So what do I type into box A?
Me: Look at the email and type in info A.
Him: So what do I type into box B?
Me: Look at the email and type in info B.
Him: I don't understand, I just typed that into box A.
Me: I said to type info A into box A.
Him: So what do I type into box C?
Me: Look at the email and type in info C.
Him: But I thought I was supposed to type in RandomBS
Me: No, I would like you to type info C from the email.
Him: Oh, the email.
Me: Yes, please stick to the information we provided.
Him: So what do I type into box D?
Me: Look at the email and type in info D.

Mr Jobs has failed

While I can't go into the particulars (because there are oh so few), this is one of today's many issues.

I received a request today for help buying an iPad app.

This means that either the person asking for help is a complete tech failure or (what is somehow less likely) Steve Jobs is a complete failure, and (credit to a buddy) if this is true, will hereafter have the full title "Disgraced Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, he shall hang his head in shame for all eternity."

But I thin the former is much more likely an explanation. I work with people who somehow seem to force themselves to become dumber and less intuitive as a rule.